fackell

because it is precisely that -
falling.


you don't drift slowly into it;
you don't bump into it like a
person on the street.

you don't walk, you don't run,
you don't wake up one day and

say

"oh, hello, sir love. pleasure to
meet you."


no.


it's more like

someone pushed you
from a skyscraper
and you lost your inhibitions
on the way down.


you
f
  a
    l
      l
right into it, land hard on the concrete
of it, and it doesn't hurt a bit.

source

lately, the weather every day has been deeply troubled. the day before, there was a dark cloud perpetually looming. yesterday, it couldn't stop raining.. and today, it was so hazy i could see nothing.

even now, as i sit here wondering what was going on, i can't come up with anything.

unable to fathom how things happened. and even more incapable of knowing what i feel about it.

i'm just as confused Mr. Sky is.

累了⋯⋯ 心，被一阵阵的冷风吹着⋯ 吹得我好冷。好疼。

不想再辩论什么跟什么的⋯⋯

要我不插手，我就不插手。

never used to understand why people say too much passion is destructive, and i never thought i would. now that my ideal has been tainted, i want to go someplace else. where the grass is happier, where the clouds have no burden, and the birds really sing.

The morning light looked on desperately, unable to stop itself stumbling onto her bedsheets.... Under it's bewildered gaze night's magic was quickly fading, and last night flickeringly became a dreamy wisp... On the sunny mattress she sat, weeping.

you represent so much negativity in my life, and i really don't appreciate that.

\

this pic deserves full view: http://sirombo.deviantart.com/art/Wake-Me-Up-133840428 (:

I'm sitting here listening to The Fountain sound track. I have always loved the last track on the album; "Together We Will Live Forever". I suppose now it has more meaning.

I thought I had prepared myself for this, but I really hadn't. I'm not being a hermit, and I don't cry myself to sleep. Most of my tears came before he passed away. I knew what was coming, and the thought of it was, at times, too much to bare without a reaction. But now he is gone, and everything I do from the moment I wake up seems to be subtly effected. It's like the cartoons... the rain cloud following me around over my noggin.

The conversation Grandpa and I had before his final stroke was about a car. I ended up buying the car once I realized it was our last discussion. I wanted him to be tied to it forever, I wanted to follow through with something, and I also wanted a distraction... something to look forward too each day. Little did I know, this cloud would hang low, low enough to fog my view of everything. The only true distraction is photography. It's the only thing I can do right now that actually seems unaffected, or if anything, positively affected.

I took a lot of pictures on the night Grandpa died and on the nights leading up to it. It was such a relief to know how understanding my family is of how important it was for me to take those pictures. I asked Grandpa years ago if it would be alright to photograph him after he has died, he laughed and said sure... then he yelled at Grandma who was in the bathroom at the time...

"Hey Grandma, did you hear what Robby wants to do?"
"No! what did he say?"
"He wants to photograph our dead bodies after we've died!"
"Oh that would be a fine idea!"

It sure didn't seem so light hearted once I was actually doing it!
Anyways... I put these pictures off for a few days. I've been feeling so strange about the whole thing that I just couldn't quite stomach it right away. I have Grandpa's watch on the wall behind me. I stopped it at the time he died. Well, technically I stopped it about 10 minutes later and then turned the hands back.

I have a car, a watch, and a whole lot of pictures... but it's the memories that I'll only ever recall to myself which I am most thankful for. If he could hear me then maybe he can still hear me now...

I hope one day I'll be able to crawl onto a cloud and lay between him and Grandma again... maybe Unsolved Mysteries will be on... and when we finally turn off the TV and the room goes dark, I can fall asleep once again sharing his pillow, and listening to the radio coming through the tiny speaker slipped beneath it...

Pacific Palisades, California
09.05.2009

"Today, my little cousin cut 8 inches off her hair and donated it to a foundation dedicated to girls with cancer to make wigs. She wasn't really happy about her new haircut so I told her I thought it looked beautiful. She replied "At least someone else will feel pretty, so that makes me feel beautiful on the inside". She's only 8."



"Today, I was reading about a little kid whose mom told him the key to life was happiness. When he was in school the teacher asked them to write down what they wanted to be when they grew up. He said happy. They said he didn't understand the assignment. He said they didn't understand life."



"When my mother would walk home from work, she would always give a few dollars to a homeless man. One day, he noticed she was pregnant, shook his head, and said "Keep it for the baby." From that day forth he refused to accept her money. She was pregnant with me, and if I knew who he was, I'd take him out to dinner."



"One of my neighbors has been recently diagnosed with Acute Lymphatic Leukemia, a type of cancer. He is 7 years old. His classmates held a hair cutting party for him so he wouldn't have to go through losing his hair alone. Bald 7-year-olds GMH."



"Other people's boyfriends take them out for elaborate meals, and buy them Tiffany bracelets. My boyfriend, though, is eighteen, lives by himself, goes to school, pays rent and has no money. Our dates are nights in with movies. When I see him going through his change jar to treat me to some chocolate, it makes me wanna cry."



"When I was little, my dad worked as a manager at a restaurant. One of the dish washers at the restaurant gave me a new coloring book everytime he saw me. He lived in the alley behind the restaurant in a cardboard box."



"A deaf man was assaulted and his laptop, cell phone and hearing aids were stolen. Upon hearing the news, a company fitted him with top-of-the-line hearing aids, Best Buy gave him a cell phone and a couple, who wished to remain anonymous, bought him a Macbook so he could continue his studies."



"My grandma recently had knee surgery and tried to tell my grandpa that he didn't need to spend all weekend at the hospital with her. He simply replied with, "Didn't I say in sickness and in health?"



"I work in an animal shelter. Today, an 18 year old girl came in and asked which cat was the oldest and had been there the longest. I told her, and she adopted him without a second thought because she thought he needed a second chance. He was 16 and losing his fur. Her unconditional love..."



"I have a friend who was born without limbs, but never lets that get him down or stop him from doing things. At our prom, for the first time in public, he used his prosthetic legs to slow dance with the girl he's liked forever."



"When I was 6 I broke my arm. Stuck in hospital for a few days, one morning I woke up to find my favourite barbie doll had a cast on her right arm too, just like mine. The Doctor said that it had taken him longer to cast my barbies arm then my own."



"Today I was feeling down and went to be alone in an old graveyard. One particular headstone struck me- a married couple's gravestone and only the wife had died- 20 years ago. I touched the vibrant flowers sitting in front of the marble marker. They were fresh. Enduring love..."



"When I was 17, I was told by my OB-GYN that I would be unable to ever bear children of my own. Hearing this news simply tore me apart. When I came home and my youngest sister found me crying, she hugged me and told me that she would be more than happy to be my surrogate."



"I was riding the bus and accidently left my bike on the bus. A college student on a skateboard commented asking if that was my bike. With shock realization, I nodded as the bus pulled away. Without questions, he promptly skated away to track down the bus at its next stop to get my bike back"



"I was on the bus with a friend, who works at a spa at a mall. The woman across the aisle had clearly neglected herself, probably because of lack of money. My friend turned to her and asked if she had anywhere to be in a hurry. The woman said no, she was going to the shelter, and got off with my friend, who treated her to a spa day. For free."



"When I was sixteen I went on a train ride to Chicago. I ended up sitting next to a young man from Pakistan. We had a six hour conversation about my struggle with religion. Before he got off at his stop he said, "You do good for goods sake. My God would be proud of you."



"Last weekend I was working at a restaurant for homecoming. Lots of groups of students came in to eat. One particularly large group pulled a dine & dash on me, leaving me with a $500 bill coming out of my paycheck. Another group of students wordlessly pooled their money and came up with an extra $563 to cover the other table's bill."



"About a year before my dog died, he started to go blind. When my cat realized this, she began helping him find his way by rubbing against his legs, running ahead of him, and meowing loudly so he could follow the sound of her voice."



"Everyday I walk past the local Salvation Army Shelter on my way to work. Yesterday, as I passed, an old man sitting outside looked at me and said "Good afternoon, smiley. You must be the most beautiful lady I've seen all week." Kindness from someone that has nothing else to give GMH."



"I work at a hair salon, and every Saturday this man brings his wife in to get her hair washed and blow dried. She had a stroke and cannot walk or talk, he also puts her lipstick and blush on for her every morning, they have been together for over 50 years."


--
http://www.givesmehope.com/

yet its so easy to "feign indifference" to the people that matter to us

i'm tired of you making me feel bad for something that i have all right to. i'm sick of you acting like i owe it to you, like my refusal deserves your anger. You and i know pretty damn well that saying 'yes' is not an obligation, but a choice. so quit pushing me.

always gone even before i can notice.

everyone else comes and goes in patters, in drumrolls, or in torrents; you only stir by the tail of a silent breeze. yet only a silent breeze has always been what is needed to make the air around me a happier place to breathe in... but how was i to know the breeze was not fully to be thanked? by the existing virtues of the little wind, i never realized it was really your existence within this wind that made all the difference.

every day, i sniff a little of you. it's almost become a ritual, to stand around and wait for the wind to catch in my hair, and be surrounded by the wonderful feeling that it brings. it's almost euphoric. every day, though, it passes in a second. i'm almost addicted to it by now, but i still never realised it was you.

i guess every time i was this close to finding out, the wind brought you away.

gentle breeze, silent it may be, is ever the socialite. for whilst it remains your guardian, it seems ever so acquainted as well with the ones that patter, drumroll, and torrent. in its swaying wake that has you in tow, rain always follows swiftly:

droplets pierce the air that you used to occupy and, hastening your departure with little shoves, pulled us apart further than ever. till the next time you blow.